Time is a Flat Tranny

By Morrigan Vandelle

The moment I realized I was trans, HRT was my holy grail.  

Like a lot of girls who were told they were boys, I had a lot of expectations about what HRT could do for me.  

Having unmedicated ADHD made the road to getting it fairly bumpy too, and when I finally got a hold of some with the help of a friend and a partner, I finally started on 2 mg of estradiol and 50 mg of spironolactone.  

And for about 6 months, it was good.

Except for when it wasn't.  Unmedicated ADHD and medication regiments of any kind are very much like oil and water, in that one tends to repel the other. 

And for a little bit, the oil and water mixed, but eventually, I was missing my HRT for weeks on end without realizing it.  Well, that's not true.  

Sometimes I was missing it on purpose.  Sometimes because I was broke and I wanted to make the girl pills last.  

Sometimes because depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder would conspire to convince me the pills weren't going to do for me what I thought I needed them too.

This sort of hormonal wave pattern continued on for about 2 years and change.  During that time, I let my mental and physical health deteriorate.  I let my relationships go up in smoke.  I let myself become the worst version of myself.  None of it had anything to do with HRT.  HRT is still my holy grail.  

It's not the overwhelming need that drives me, but a more sublime want.  I want to be a woman, I need to be alive.  If I’m going to be alive, I should be alive as a woman.  Pursuing femininity gives me a reason to live, which makes being alive generally pretty agreeable.

Hello, my name is Morrigan, and I'm a transsexual woman who is temporarily forgoing HRT.

Transsexual folk exist in a strange state these days, at least from my perspective.