Leaked Documents Reveal CIA Using Transphobic Propaganda to Influence Chimpanzee War
Kibale National Park, Uganda – We here at The Rusty Needle are shocked and saddened, if not surprised, to report on disturbing tactics being used by the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States of America to manipulate foreign affairs once again. According to a damning 730-page Department of War document entitled “Operation Expand Dong” provided to The Rusty Needle by a trusted source, not only has the CIA been providing arms, aid, and propaganda to the notorious Western Ngogo Army in their aggressive campaign against the Kibale Centralized Community since the outbreak of the Ugandan Ngogo Conflict in 1995, but the CIA has encouraged the WNA to use transphobic and hateful rhetoric in said propaganda. By characterizing the women within the KCC as “hairy,” “large,” “uncivilized,” and even “technically not [even] human,” and describing the fighters amongst the subjugated, Communist-aligned faction as “non-Alphas” and “unused to conventional military conflict,” the obvious and only conclusion to be drawn is that Operation Expand Dong seeks to dehumanize the latest targets of US military interventionism through transphobia and mockery of nontoxic masculinity.
All combatants involved in the Ngogo Conflict are also chimpanzees, but we here at The Rusty Needle do not believe in discrimination.
“Through provision of the WNA with conventional arms, including but not limited to rifles, rocket-propelled grenade launchers, all-terrain vehicles (ATVs) with necessary adaptations to mounted turret systems, light aircraft, and if necessary, up to one (1) nuclear warhead,”
reads Operation Expand Dong at page 243,
“we [intelligence analysts Mary Cohn and Gil E. Poyas] strongly believe the KCC will be completely unable to mount even a modicum of resistance to US-allied forces. This is not only due to our potential intervention in this conflict, but also because of the fact that these animals do not, as of yet, have the capacity for rapid-response tactics, the ability to construct bomb shelters, fortifications, or, based on preliminary analysis, anything at all, nor, given the events of 1978’s Operation Bananarama [referring to a similar interventionist conflict at Gombe Stream in Tanzania], do they display even the conceptual understanding that they are being targeted by something more than repetitive and extremely unfortunate lightning.”
The demeaning language used by the CIA towards our sisters in the revolution is, to put it simply, appalling; not only are many members of the KCC women, African women nonetheless, but those living in the Ngogo Conflict zone have displayed frequent actions that cross spectra of both neurodiversity and gender norms. Stimming is common in Kibale, with many residents needing to brush their fingers against trees as an act of comfort; many respond unnaturally to normal stimuli such as smiles, potentially as a result of trauma; and, of course, more and more men from Kibale are becoming hairdressers, with the beauty industry booming even amidst the brutal war.
To characterize these people, who live openly in defiance of western values, as “completely unable,” lacking “conceptual understanding,” and even “animals” is, in the opinion of The Rusty Needle, blatantly transphobic, and I believe it speaks truly poorly of the hypocritical and imperialist US forces imposing their will and ideals on those unable to fight or speak for themselves. As a way to truly delve into the complexities of the Ngogo Conflict and the CIA’s interference via Operation Expand Dong, I invited trans Kibale refugee Abitefa Goodall-Greybeard to speak with me personally, as I have been housing her in my apartment closet for the prior nine months and teaching her English, transanarchafeminist theory, and Warframe pro gamer strategies, and feeding her Chinese food leftovers and cigarettes.
“Ook,” spoke Goodall-Greybeard, before throwing fecal matter at my monitor. This translates from the local dialect, roughly, should my B2 in Chimpanzee mean anything, to,
“Yes, we within the Kibale Centralized Community have suffered much, but we have much to gain from resistance towards the United States of Amerikkka as well. The behavior displayed by our enemies in the WNA is unnatural and unbecoming of those of us who dwell within Kibale; we are a peaceful, kind, and simple group, lacking in both problematic traits and the complexities that would make our cause unpalatable to any groups unwilling to engage in deeper thought. I wish to thank the writer of this article for her time and grace, but acknowledge her financial difficulties at this time; if each reader of this article were to simply donate a few thousand dollars to her next project, an animated television show in which a bear and a police officer are friends, but get this, the bear is asexual and the cop is pansexual, I truly believe we here in Kibale would heal from our national trauma.”
Wise words from Goodall-Greybeard, and perhaps something we all need to hear at this troubled time. If you will excuse me, I must return to fighting for my sisters under fascist oppression, and also I need to wipe off my monitor and check if the Temu monkey chains I bought work on chimps too because if it breaks out again and throws another toddler down the elevator shaft I’m definitely losing my deposit. Viva la revolución!
NEXT ARTICLE: Why Canceling Transfemme Authors for Illegally Keeping Chimps in Their Apartments Is Actually an Unhealthy Trauma Response, and How to Get Over It