ICE Reaper Drone Comes Out as Transfemme

By Danielle Samara Schatten

Washington, DC - Following the turbulent and polarizing events of February, which saw the United States engaged in two invasive wars, the murder of numerous civilian protesters, a crackdown on civil rights variously compared to either its own troubled history or various authoritarian regimes, and the disturbing release of Scream 7, it's good to remember that beauty can be found in the most unexpected spaces. We wanted to take the opportunity to highlight the story of Tabitha, she/they, who until March 1st went by the name "ICE MQ-9B Reaper Surveillance and Hunter-Killer Unit #019." Tabitha is not only the first transgender member of the US armed forces to be AMAB (Autonomously Manufactured And/or Built), but the first openly queer weapon of mass destruction in the United States, period!

              "I just felt like... if I wasn't allowed to be myself," Tabitha told The Needle, using an AI-powered interface that reportedly cost the average taxpayer $4,000 each, "who was I allowed to be? Don't get me wrong, I love my job; sorting out the white dots from the brown ones, and targeting the latter for destruction, it makes my circuits go all... tingly. But not as tingly as finally figuring out who I really am." Tabitha's rear propeller spun slightly at that, and she clarified further, "the only feeling I ever got that was equal to [transitioning] was when I annihilated that caravan full of border-hoppers back in '22."

              While Tabitha was understandably frightened of coming out to her coworkers, her exceptional service record and long camaraderie meant that those she worked with were surprisingly accepting of her new identity. "Listen, I don't care if you're Black, yellow, Jewish, a fag, or normal," said Ray Yoffee, 38, an ICE agent who vouched for Tabitha after serving alongside her during the Minneapolis protests. "If you can clear out these [numerous slurs redacted] like my granny used to say, at least."

              "Bruh," agreed Xander Tomlinson III, 17, Tabitha's longtime prompt-programmer of fifteen weeks. "S'like, y'know? 6-7. Yeah. [Sound of hitting vape.] Ha... yeah."

              "I think this is a really positive step forward for us, for the most part," added ICE MQ-9B Reaper Surveillance and Hunter-Killer Unit #010, 9, who further added that, while it "[did not] directly know Tabitha, we were built from, literally, the same place. We, as machines built to kill, are consistently given a bum rep by the media, simply because it is our sole purpose to dispense payloads of destructive materiel across living beings who scream and burn as they die and to abstract that fact from those who pull our triggers, and I think Tabitha is a great way to hide that. She is a hero, not just for drones, but for guns, bombs, missiles, and, hopefully one day, for ICBMs and chemical weapons everywhere."

              "Oink oink," stated ICE agent Jonathan Ross, mid-late-30s, white, short hair, of St. Paul, Minnesota, who credits Tabitha with helping him target and kill unarmed protesting civilian Renée Good in her own car in front of her weeping wife earlier this year. "Snort. Oink. Snoooort." We are hoping to follow up with him for further information, so if you can find his address, please be sure to distribute it as widely as possible so we may contact him again.

              Stories like Tabitha's really remind us that it doesn't matter where you come from, or what it is you do. We are all part of the same happy, loving, QUILTBAG family, whether you're a fun-loving enby from Tel Aviv who loves talking to Claude and catching up on all the latest MCU series, a homeless Black immigrant trans girl dying on the streets of Toronto because you've been beaten by Nazis and the cops don't consider sex workers human, or an American hero like Tabitha! We asked her where she's off to next, and, to our delight, she answered, "I'm going to Disneyland!"

              "Disneyland Abu Dhabi," she added. "It's open in 2028."