Price of Black Market HRT Surges to One Christian Baby

By Danielle Tamara Schatten

Frederick, MD – A “perfect storm” of factors, including but not limited to the growing production costs of adrenochrome, tariffs affecting the shipping rates of fresh gamer girl milk from Japan, supply chain difficulties regarding sugar, spice, and anything nice at all since March 2020, and, rumor has it, a global anti-trans movement that is pretty much moving exactly the same way it did against the Hirschfeld Institut in 1933, have all caused the price of a single vial of estradiol to surge to one (1) Christian baby on the black market, according to sources close to The Needle. This is up 33% from 2025, and not only speaks to the increasing scarcity of hormone replacement therapy (HRT), but also represents the lowest buying power of Christian babies in the United States since 1927, at the height of the Great Depression, when they could only be exchanged for four bananas – five if the baby was fat or had “birthin’ hips.”

              The exchange of Christian babies for hormone replacement therapy is nothing new, of course; it’s a tradition as quintessentially American as apple pie, baseball, the pardons of Japanese war criminal Unit 731 (responsible for actually freezing infants to death, using live Chinese civilians to test Axis weapons technology, and bisecting and preserving still-living Allied troops) following the US nuclear annihilation of millions in Hiroshima and Nagasaki in order to gain literally no value from the torturous deaths of thousands, and Mormon bubble porn. But the brevity by which these blessed baptized babes are being bought, bartered, and butchered for bits of bucks boggles the brain and boils the, uh, b- it- fuckin’- this is garbage. Just cut this whole part. You’re not next out of Atlanta. This is why Eminem is homophobic, your bars are shit. You’d honestly be better off doing yet another 6-7 joke at this point, this is so bad. This segue into the next paragraph is up there with you changing your pronouns for worst transition ever.

              “Used to be, the big bucks were in Dungeons & Dragons or video games with leftist themes,” spoke our primary source, who wished to go by an anonymous moniker; let’s call him J.E. “Now, though, we get rich exclusively off Democrat parents turning their kids gay for Satan.” When asked what he thought was the impetus for this change in fiscal motivators, Jeff E. put down his California Cheeseburger (a toddler between a sliced loaf of Italian bread with light mayo and provolone) and shrugged. “Honestly, I never really thought about it. Same with how I’m not really sure we can tell if the babies are Christian or not. The chefs say the flavor is better, but ever since the CIA pulled that trick with the rope for me, my taste buds have been all messed up anyway.” When our reporter briefly mentioned that the babies were distilled into gender affirming hormones, in addition to being used for food, our anonymous source J. Epstein began gagging, and ended the interview in horrified disgust.

[Suggested image: Halloween costume of a baby in a sandwich outfit]

              To further investigate this story, one of our reporters at The Needle decided to get the inside scoop, and went undercover as a Christian baby in an illicit estrogen exchange. After being mistaken as a compatriot by both passing ABDL fetishists and PragerU supporters, she was able to make her way to the drop-off point and enter the transaction. Following some whispered code phrases between the two parties to confirm their identities (“It’s so sad Steve Jobs died of ligma.” “Who’s Steve Ballmer?” “Suck my dick.”), she was placed inside the trenchcoat of a tall man in a dark fedora, and whisked away in a black car with eight other Christian babies and one who practiced a syncretic blend of Hinduism and Rastafari. She went on to describe a lurid, fascinating tale of being nearly used as a sacrifice, seeing her brother-in-arms used as a baseball as part of a twisted moral experiment, being told she “can’t be saying that” simply because of her identity, and eventually staging a prison break involving Cold War refugees, a subliminal broadcast intended for national TV, a notable media personality planning a global coup, and the inexplicable acquisition of “god-like, perhaps even prophetic powers.” However, the author of this article was only able to verify the final part of her claim as being the plot of the Jon Voight film Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, which does not necessarily invalidate the totality of her story but does call aspects of it into question. In addition, the “estrogen” acquired in the supposed exchange was tested, and the results came back as cannabis-positive urine.

[Suggested image: VHS of the 2004 notorious flop Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, ideally not a high quality scan but like literally being held by someone or sitting in a Blockbuster amidst a pile of other shitty movies or something]

              The severity of this economic crisis, notwithstanding our investigative reporter’s potential lack of due diligence and my own earlier misuse of the word “brevity” for the sake of alliteration, cannot be understated. “My little Mayckhaieghieille [note: pronounced ‘Jason’] could have been a sports car driver, or a KFC regional manager, or even a reality TV star,” lamented Meghan Brittany, 20, of Frederick, MD, through tears of rage, sorrow, and three hours of preparatory makeup, “but now he’s Jesus-knows-where because some monster out there was unable to acquire the medicine they needed to conform to their gender identity and had to resort to extrajudicial means due to biased policy put in place as part of a discriminatory culture war designed to distract from a pedocratic fascist takeover of global governments. Lord, just bring him back, safely. And also his Lightning McQueen onesie because that shit was like 45$ and if there’s even a scratch on it, well, none of y’all better show up at Bed, Bath, and Beyond tomorrow without your Kevlar vests, bet on that.”

              When asked if she had any messages for the public, Meghan made an appeal: “Please, President Trump, if you’re hearing this: Christian babies out there are being traded for estrogen every half an hour, and testosterone every forty-five minutes. Do the right thing for America, and make hormone replacement therapy legal for everyone, everywhere, no questions asked, so they don’t go stealing no more Christian babies any more. I, my son Mayckhaieghieille, the American people, and Jesus Christ himself paean you.

              “Well,” she added, “that or at least sign an executive order legally converting all babies in the United States to Sufi Islam.”