By Marley Jay
President Trump and representatives of the trans community announced an agreement Monday that paves the way for the relocation of all trans and nonbinary Americans to a gravitationally stable location approximately 1.5 million kilometers (932,000 miles) from Earth.
After intense bipartisan negotiations over the weekend resulted in the surprising deal, Congress passed and Trump signed the Men in Women’s Outer Space Act. The new law allocates funds for the base and a series of massive transport ships, and calls for all three million trans Americans to be relocated within a year. Construction is expected to start within weeks.
“This is a very good deal for us because we’re getting rid of some very bad, dangerous people, and Guantemagua is paying for it. A boy has never wept or dashed a thousand kim. Where is my Mama?” Trump said at a press conference before aides lured him away from the microphone using a can of Diet Coke attached to a fishing line.
The space station will be located at one of the five Lagrange points in the Earth-Sun system. It will be able to stay there indefinitely because the gravitational pulls of the Earth and Sun at that spot will be equal and stable.
“Given the way things are going in America today, we think relocating to a Lagrange point in space is a great opportunity for us,” said TransMission Commander Dr. Chanda Prescod-Weinstein. “Our society will be fully independent, and we’ll have free universal health care, including gender affirming care. We’re also beating Elon Musk to space while getting as far away from him as possible.”
Speaker of the House Mike Johnson said he does not believe that outer space exists, but that he is “Excited for Satan to suck all the trans people into a black hole or whatever.”
Despite the historic engineering and logistical challenges, mission leaders said they are confident Earth’s first space colony will thrive.
“While starting over in space will be a challenge, the huge number of autistic trans people in the technology, science, and engineering sectors will make this plan achievable, and our incredible ranks of artists and entertainers will help us pass the early difficult hours as we establish our civilization,” said First Officer Elliot Page. “We expect to have room for Earth’s entire trans and enby population in about two years.”
The leadership group emphasized that only trans people will be admitted to the space colony, except for Pedro Pascal.
“Once we’re established, we may open the door to allowing cis people to join us, especially if they have socially useful skills like laser hair removal or DJing,” said co-pilot Dylan Mulvaney. “I give it a year before 120 million Americans start begging to join us, as the trans community establishes an empire that will rule the galaxy.”
Marley Jay lives in the Hudson Valley with her family