“The camera is AI-powered, uses existing Playstation Store infrastructure, is compatible with all “normal-sized” human rectums, and cannot be removed.”
Washington, DC – An executive memo released by the newly-renamed United States Department of Shut the Fuck Up Whatever I Don’t Care (DoStFWUIDC, formerly the Department of State) has drastically amended the legality of administration of estrogen, testosterone, and other forms of “Jesus-manipulating chemicals” following a $67 billion government contract with surveillance corporation Flock Safety.
The memo, signed by President Trump, the Flock board of directors (consisting at present of [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], Effrey Jepstein, Obelisk the Tormentor, [redacted], and definitely absolutely not still Peter Thiel), and Claude, is sweeping; but we here at The Rusty Needle have attempted to break it down for you.
Now let’s get to the memo.
The first paragraph of the memo, entitled “DRAFT DO NOT RELEASE NATALY otherbirdcompanydealmemo.docx.exe.txt,” starts with a justification regarding the partnership between the DoStFUWIDC and Flock, implying financial issues and potential internal conflict within the beleaguered second Trump administration:
“Dear America: okay so I’m not gonna lie to you we lost the Iraq[sic] thing. Like hardcore. Really really bad. I was pretty sure they were gonna let me use the bomb but apparently you need two keys and they gave the other one to some guy, I dunno his name, a diversity hire, anyway we tried running a buncha drones into em and that worked for a little but then ICE said they needed drones too and did you know drones are like really expensive? Like at least two toilets expensive.
“By the way I thought someone put an extra golden urinal in the Mar-a-Lago orchestra room, which was nice, but now Melania is mad because it’s Christmas in three months and someone pissed blood in the trombone or something. What was I saying? Oh yeah, the country. Anyway I found more money. And drones. Thanks to our good neighbors at Fuck! God bless wherever we are.”
The Rusty Needle reached out for clarification to Flock Safety, who confirmed that President Trump did indeed mean the Iran War, was in fact thanking the company and not simply exclaiming in either anger, pain, or demented confusion, and had indeed urinated sanguine matter into a musical instrument at his Florida residence.
The First Lady, however, has denied feeling the treasonous emotion of hostility towards the sitting Commander-in-Chief, and clarified that Christmas is actually in four months, not three.
The next few paragraphs, despite being written from a somewhat less elderly perspective, still require expert interpretation, as their content is perplexing to those without either the decades of media training employed by the expert staff here at The Rusty Needle, or those unwilling to ask Grok and ignore the parts about “Meesa No Killsa da Boer, Big Badoo!”
“We here at Flock Safety’s new Alternative Hormones team in Weimar, Germany are pleased to announce our latest synergistic and streamlined innovation; iteratively designated to reactively programmate to your superlative heuristics! Introducing the Flock Model 14.88 Hyper-Invisible Testosterone Launcher/Estrogen Releaser!
“This minimally obtrusive, addon-compatible, AI-integrated, Wifi-routed device is always on, is designed to plug & play with all normal-sized human rectums, uses existing Sony Playstation Store infrastructure so users will already be familiar with its painless functionality, and has on-by-default Discord integration, so your friends will know the moment you begin your transition, start your period, are entering ‘play mode,’ or are simply having a normal bodily function.
“Of course, this device does consistently and permanently maintain its camera and microphone functionality, due to both government mandates and the interest of public safety. Fortunately, the data collected goes directly to the trusted, secure, and careful hands of Flock Safety, who solemnly promise to only sell your data if we can turn a profit of at least +300%.
“The HITL/ER is replacing all existing forms of HRT,” the memo finishes, “and cannot be unplugged from the user once installed. Trust us… we tried…”
We here at The Rusty Needle have done our best to sort through the long list of implications of this new form of hormone replacement therapy. While we do commend the DoStFUWIDC and Flock for not using gendered language and providing an available, legal, and [UPDATE: NOT SAFE. BUTT EXPLODE.] way to transition, we do have some minor concerns.
For one, what qualifies as a “normal sized” human rectum? Many of us – that is, many of our readers, not me, other people – have severely deformed, abnormal, deflated, or, in medical terms, “awful, horrible, fucked-up” butts, yet still wish to continue with our transitions.
In the opinion of The Rusty Needle, it is a violation of the 1st Amendment to deny me – that is, to deny those other Americans with terrible asses the ability to become the person they truly are simply because my booty has two holes, is like kinda sideways, has one cheek smaller than the other, and, well…
Okay, have you ever seen a pumpkin on someone’s lawn in mid-December after all the raccoons and squirrels and whatever got to it, and it’s all messed up and doesn’t even have a face anymore and they absolutely should have thrown it away by now? Like, that scene in Fight Club where Jared Leto got his face beat in – that’s what my dumpy looks like all the time. How am I supposed to fit the HRT Flock camera all up in that trunk?
I mean they.
Another concern we have relates to the camera functionality within the device. It’s understandable to want to prioritize public safety; from finding potential terrorists to monitoring prostates for cancer to checking for stubborn stains, no one here is questioning the validity of a camera the government shoves up your ass that comes with your HRT and is always online. It’s simply common sense!
But the inherent danger that may slip past the less eagle-eyed reader comes with the fact that a significant number of trans people make the dangerous and ill-informed decision to cover their bottoms with pants or even, unfortunately, underwear.
This will not only muffle the microphone of the Flock device, but potentially cover the camera entirely, providing either a total obliteration of its viewing functionality, or in some cases, a soft, gauzy, white filter, putting its viewing angle in a blurry, sensual focus, as if seen in a dream… as the owner bounces along… letting us watch… through…
Sorry I hit my head on someone’s hammer twelve or fifteen times. I’m okay now.
Finally, the obvious and most disturbing elephant in the room: the name. We here at The Rusty Needle simply do not think the HITL/ER can be distributed to the American public under its current name.
We feel almost ashamed to have to even point it out, but for those unaware: it is biased and misogynistic to imply that such a device “launches” testosterone, while it only “releases” estrogen. Such wording clearly plays on traditional patriarchal concepts of “active men, passive women,” and should be changed well before launch. Women, and all people with the hormone estrogen, can launch just as easily as men can. Why not launch the estrogen as well? It should be a fairly simple design change, if the device already does so with testosterone.
Ultimately, we here at The Rusty Needle simply cannot, at present, fully endorse HITL/ER until a name change and transition takes place. [UPDATE: PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THAT OUT OF CONTEXT. THANK YOU.]
In the spirit of the “compliment sandwich,” we wish to suggest a much more appropriate name for the device, one built from the ground up by a trans-led, women-owned, LGBTQIA+, marginalized community-first, diverse background of crowdsourced young creatives.
We are aware of Flock Safety’s long line of devices named after birds; from their Falcon and Sparrow traffic monitors, to their Raven gunfire monitors, to their Alpha drones, named of course after the Western Lowland Gorilla Alpha Male, a flightless bird native to the Cincinnati Zoo. We advise Flock and the DoStFUWIDC to continue this pattern, in a thoughtful, iterative way, reflective of their previous successes.
The Rusty Needle would like to formally suggest the ‘Flock Cloaca’ be implemented as a replacement name for the device.
While it’s still too early as of yet to say what impact the memo and the Flock partnership with the Department of Shut the Fuck Up Whatever I Don’t Care will have on the American trans community, or if the new HRT device will work out all the kinks (aside from the obvious anal, public, and voyeur ones), one thing is clear:
This is proof of progress. We made our intentions known to both the US government and to Flock Safety, as a culture, and it’s obvious that they have finally listened.
We told them they can shove their fascist surveillance up our collective gay asses and, well… yeah.
